The New Member
by MetaGiga
Summary: Christie Sweetie Sakura Rosa Cuppycake Nitaka is the newest member of the Akatsuki! She's beautiful, powerful, and loves to make everyone around her love her! But, what will the Akatsuki REALLY think of this girl in actual realism..? Disclaimer INSIDE!
1. Chapter 1

Heya, dudes~! MetaGiga here. I'm here to give to you something that I've been wanting to write for a while. A Sue-bashing fic. They're pretty much fanfics showing how it would be in actual fandom reality when a Mary Sue pops in.

If you don't know, a Mary Sue is an OC that is disgustingly perfect. So perfect that it just ruins everything and makes the entire story seriously bland. They usually have the canon characters fall in love with them. Like, all of the canon characters. They're also seriously annoying.

So, I'm making a fic that is NOT SUPPOSED TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY. It's just for lols. Oh, I also don't own Naruto or anything.

[Chapter One]

There once was a ninja named Christie Sweetie Sakura Rosa Cuppycake Nitaka (because Christie is SUCH a native Japanese name). She was a high class ninja that used genjutsu, ninjutsu, and taijutsu with ease!  
>When she was five, her parents were slaughtered by rouge ninjas before her very eyes. Afterwards, she set off to have her own adventure to find her true calling. Even though she witnessed a totally traumatizing homicide, she was still a cheery person because that's always normal.<p>

She had bright beautiful black hair, crystal purple eyes, and had the sexiest figure you could imagine. Her chakra was off the charts due to her being blessed by the eleven tailed beast. She was related to the Uchiha clan and had all of the eye techniques known. She could easily make any boy fall in love with her, but she sometimes thinks of it as a curse.

Though cheery, she also had a dark side. It wasn't long before she joined the Akatsuki after killing off small villages that didn't give her any great and hard earned praise for being perfect. She was then the most powerful member!

[Inside Akatsuki Meeting Room]

"Now," Pein began as he got everyone to shut up, "The reason we are here is because we have a temporary member with us. Her name-"  
>He was instantly interrupted by an annoying ass high pitched 'lolita' voice. "My name is Christie Sweetie Sakura Rosa Cuppycake Nitaka! And I'm super pretty and I'm, like, probably the most powerful member!"<br>They all just stared at her. Hidan spoke up, "What the hell kind of name is that?!"  
>Christie just smiled to him. "It's my name, silly! Oh, why is it sooo dark in here? Better fix that!"<p>

She then made hand signs and preformed the easiest light jutsu possible. She seemed pretty proud of herself, however.  
>The light now shown on her 'ninja outfit' (if you would even call it that).<br>She was wearing a short pink shirt that showed much cleavage with an equally short black jacket. She wore padded skinny jeans and pink and black tennis shoes.

It was blatantly obvious that she did the light jutsu just to show herself off and seduce the guys.

"Is she some sort of prostitute?" Sasori (inside Hiruko) asked, staring at the weird looking 'sandals'. Christie scowled in response. "At least I'm not an old guy. BURN!"  
>"... That was pathetic."<br>She paused suddenly. "Uh, you were supposed to, like, totally flinch and apologize to me." Christie corrected, then anticipated for the very thing to happen right now. Unfortunately, she didn't get that response.

"I am Sasori of the Red Sands, and I do not do such things. I will not say your name, for it has to be the most idiotic name I have ever heard of. If I did repeat it, then I will suffer from intense sickness; as though I had been forced sugar water down my body. And I cannot even have taste anymore. I shall not follow orders from lower beings such as yourself."

Christie pouted, mumbled something about how horrible her life has been, then looked toward Deidara. That's when her eyes got big. She blushed as a pink background appeared as well as faded bubbles around her and Deidara. "What the hell is this, hmm?!", he demanded, trying to swat away the strange background.

"What... Is this feeling?", Christie Sweetie Sakura Rosa Cuppycake Nitaka whispered as she put a hand to her chest. She looked at Deidara, sparkles in her eyes. "What... Is your name?", she asked. Deidara stopped trying to swat away the bizarre pink stuff, then looked back at her. "Why would I tell you? Undo this genjutsu, even if it IS harmless, hm!", he demanded. Meanwhile, Hidan was laughing his ass off at Deidara's situation. This bitch actually is doing something entertaining instead of being a preppy little brat trying to have everyone do what she wants to! Huzzah!

Tobi decided to chime in. "Oh, you wanna know Sempai's name? It's Deidara since you wanted to know so badly!"

This earned him the biggest death glare Deidara has ever given. "Tobi... I'm going to blow up your shojo manga collection right after I'm done with this bitch, hm...", he growled.  
>"Aw, you're bluffing! And when you're done making out?"<br>"KATSU!"  
>BOOOOOOM!<br>Tobi was sent through the ceiling. Pein would have stopped this a while ago, but this was actually amusing. Why stop it now?

Christie sighed. "Deidara-sama... Such a smexy name for a smexy guy..."  
>Deidara replied, face red, "W-What are you implying, hm?!" It was obvious that he really wasn't comfortable in this situation. Christie moved toward him. "Deidara-sama... It seems like there aren't enough rooms to keep me.", she whispered. That got Sasori's attention. Both he and Deidara had to share a room together (not in a romantic sort of way). If this girl forced herself in, he'd have to deal with an even BIGGER brat.<p>

"You can stay in a storage closet." Sasori said, but it sounded more like a demand then an offer. Christie glared at him. "I would make great company. I already know Dei-sama has no choice but to share a room with a disgusting old man like you!", she snapped back. Sasori started to get even more annoyed, which seemed to have been impossible. "In case you didn't know, I am thirty five years old. If I were allowed to, I would now be gutting your insides while you are still alive... Slowly and painfully... Killing you beforehand would be boring.

"Whatevs, old guy. I can't be killed. I'm too special."

Pein decided to end it before Sasori really did do that to this girl.  
>"End this at once. We will put this girl in each room for one night. The one that is... 'Suitable' will be where she sleeps. Which means one room will have three members instead of two."<br>Zetsu turned to Pein. "When she comes to ours... Can we eat her?"  
>"No, Zetsu."<p>

Zetsu (along with most of the other members) looked quite disappointed. Christie was pretty oblivious to the saddened faces of not having her allowed to be eaten. "Alright," she said, "I'm gonna be in Dei-Sama's room!"  
>Pein facepalmed, then replied, "No, it is not your choice. I decide. You've caused enough trouble for Sasori and Deidara already."<br>Christie's eyes teared up. "But... I'm supposed to choose for MYSELF! Everything has been horrible since my parents died! Woe is me!"  
>She then curled up into a ball and started crying, hoping she would get pity-points.<br>This was the fucking Akatsuki. No shits were given.

Itachi decided not to even get involved in what was happening. "Kisame, what is your intake on this?", he asked his partner, whom was watching as if it were a theater show.

"Well," Kisame began, "Deidara's probably gonna to have to deal with this brat throughout the whole time she's here, we might have to get Tobi from the nearest village five miles away, Hidan's laughing his ass off, Sasori will probably have to stay in Hiruko or suffer the same fate as Deidara as well as be on high maintenance so he won't add her to his collection, Kakuzu might want to steal all of her money since she has those useless and expensive looking clothes on, Konan has been so annoyed that she hasn't even said a thing, Zetsu will want to eat her, and our leader isn't doing anything to stop it..."

He pondered the situation.

"Itachi, my intake is that she's screwed."  
>"Indeed."<p> 


	2. Chapter 2

This has to be the number one fic that I just love to write :D Maybe because of the reality check for all those 'Sues out. And maybe to torment the Akatsuki~ (I still love you Kisame, don't worry *huggles my plushie of him* ;w;)

Oh yeah, I don't own Naruto. If I did, then the Akatsuki would still be alive and Sakura would be dead or look like Choji from season one :P

[Chapter Two]

It was day two and the newest temporary member, Christie Sweetie Sakura Rosa Cuppycake Nitaka, has about thirty eight death sentences. So far she's snuck into Deidara's bed to 'cuddle' with him, has an idea in her head that they're going to one day run away and get married, and had been so rude to Sasori that she's just ASKING to be dissected.

The girl has also been going on about how everyone is falling in love with her and that Konan is jealous.  
>Where she got that idea is something even I don't know. And I'm the fucking NARRATOR for Christ's sake!<p>

"Hidan, I'm beginning to wonder if this girl is a criminal at all." Kakuzu said to his partner as they both were in their room (thankfully untouched by the... Thing). Hidan looked up to him, then rolled his eyes, "You just now noticed that?! I mean, come on! The damn chick says she's all evil, but I only see a spoiled little bitch. Hell, she even said she was a Jashinist. I asked her the commandments, but she 'forgot' them. No true follower forgets the SACRED COMMANDMENTS OF JASHIN!"

"Hidan, will you shut up. I'm trying to look through my bingo cards to see if she's a criminal. If she is, then I'll kill her and get my bounty." Kakuzu replied without looking to Hidan. Hidan was about to protest, but then stopped. "... You know, I'm actually okay with that for once. But, I'm not helping. I'll just watch Deidara get screwed over by that lying little heathen."  
>With that said, Hidan got up from where he was relaxing and went to the main room.<p>

[In the main room]

"GET OFF OF ME, HM!"  
>"But Dei-Samaaaaa~! I'm coooold~!"<p>

Right when he walked in, Hidan was greeted by Deidara seeming to be sexually harassed by Christie Sweetie Sakura Rosa Cuppycake Nitaka. That's when Hidan proceeded to cackle at his demise. "HIDAN, WILL YOU BE USEFUL FOR ONE DAMN TIME IN YOUR LIFE AND PRY THIS THING OFF OF ME, HMM?!" Deidara snapped at him. Christie just looked to Hidan.

"Sorry, Hidan-San... But Deidara-Sama and I are going to be a married couple. He agreed to it-"  
>"I DIDN'T AGREE TO SHIT, HM!"<br>"-and we will run away and have a family-"  
>"WHAT THE HELL?!"<br>"-and our lives together will be filled with-"  
>"SHUT UP ALREADY, HM!"<br>"-love and happiness!"  
>If it were possible to die from laughter, then Hidan has died about ten times already.<p>

"Will you shut up, Deidara?"

Due to the constant screaming, Hidan's madman laughter, and that annoying ass lolita voice coming from the temporary member, Sasori had come in to get everyone to shut the fuck up. The only problem was..  
>He forgot to put on Hiruko beforehand.<p>

And now Christie got an eyeful of what he really looked like. A sexy little prettyboy.  
>She now had let go of Deidara and was performing the pink background genjutsu on her and Sasori. "Who are you..?", she asked.<br>He just stayed silent. Deidara just gave him a sly smile and said, "He's the 'old guy' you kept making fun of. He just uses that appearance for protection, hm. Oh, his name's Sasori."

Christie Sweetie-oh god I'm not saying her full name anymore- gasped. "Oh. My. GAWD. Are you serious?!", she asked Deidara, then looked back to Sasori. "He's...", she whispered, "Like a butterfly... So beautiful... So hot and smexy... He came out of his ugly shell..."  
>Sasori glared at her.<br>"SASORI-SAMAAA~!"

Christie then leapt onto Sasori and practically tackled him to the ground.  
>"GET OFF OF ME!"<br>"No, Sasori-Sama... I don't want to be alone..."  
>This time, both Hidan AND Deidara were laughing their asses off. If he could, Sasori would be killing Deidara at the moment. Unfortunately for him this crazy girl was all over him. He couldn't even summon his favorite puppet to do Iron Sand Release on them all. That's when Christie did the unthinkable.<p>

The chick kissed him smack on the lips. It wasn't even a short one. It lasted for about a minute with Christie looking like she was attempting to eat the poor guy's face.

Deidara was now laughing even harder when he saw his best friend flailing around, trying to break free. Mixed in with the muffled attempts of swears directed at Deidara from Sasori, it just made it better. Finally, he pushed her to the ground. If looks could kill, Sasori would have started the fucking Armageddon.

And now... Hidan, Deidara, and Christie now were going to witness the rare moment when Sasori loses his cool.

"DEIDARA, I DO NOT CARE IF YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE I SEEM TO TOLERATE OR IF I AM NOT ALLOWED TO DO SO TO FELLOW MEMBERS, BUT I WILL TRACK YOU DOWN AND KILL YOU TO ADD YOU TO MY COLLECTION, YOU BRAT!"

Hidan was surprised. He had never seen Sasori blow his top. He seriously thought he had no emotions to begin with. Deidara, on the other hand, knew about his rare temper. He just didn't think that telling this girl who the guy in front of him was so he could finally have peace...  
>Now that he thought about it, that would set Sasori off easily after what he's seen happen to him.<br>Oops.

Deidara gave him a nervous smile. "S-Sasori, my man, you r-really don't mean all that, hm..?", he stammered.

Sasori drew out his puppet scroll.

"... Hahahaha, you're funny! R-Really funny, my man! Go on, put that away..."

He started to unravel it.

"D-Danna..?"

He then-  
>"SASORI-SAMAAA~!<br>Was tackled to the ground a SECOND time by Christie.

"Sasori-Sama, I dun want you to ever leave my side! We were meant for each other! Your tsundere attitude doesn't fool me! I'm, like, a genius that sees through everything~!"  
>She then squeezed Sasori so hard that he couldn't even move, the intoxicating smell of too much bad perfume starting to catch on to him.<p>

The worst part?  
>Pein walked into the room right as this was happening. The leader simply stared at the scene before him. "I have decided which room the temporary member shall be in tonight.", he stated. Pein turned to Hidan. "She shall be in you and Kakuzu's room tonight, for I fear the safety of some of our strongest members."<p>

Deidara, on the other hand, felt as if he had his life spared. Sasori truthfully felt the same way, but didn't really show the relief. Even though they were in the clear, it wouldn't be long before this chick had to spend a night in their room... Their art would be in danger.

Christie gave the most annoying whining sound. "But Peiinnnn...", she groaned, "I'll be, like, totally fine!"  
>He sighed. "I was not talking about you. I was talking about Deidara and Sasori. Now if you excuse me, I must be going."<br>With that said, Pein left the room. Hidan glared at Christie, flipped her off, then went to tell Kakuzu the bad news.

[Back in Kakuzu and Hidan's room...]

"Kakuzu, we're fucking screwed." Hidan said as soon as he walked in. Kakuzu looked up from his bingo book. "If it's something idiotic, then I have no interest.", he said and put the bingo book away. "Well," Hidan began, looking extremely annoyed, "That bitch Christie Shitty What-The-Fuck-Ever is in our room the first night.  
>That got Kakuzu's attention.<p>

In a bad way.

He glared at him, then replied, "If this is a joke, then I will personally severe your head."  
>"It's the damn truth."<p>

Hidan then remembered what Kakuzu said before he left to see Deidara's misfortune. "Is she a criminal?"  
>Kakuzu sighed and shook his head. "No. She isn't even worth one hundred ryo. Or, that's what I think. She doesn't even have a profile.", he said solemnly.<p>

"Are you fuckin' kidding me?"  
>"I wish I were. In other words, she's a nobody that is completely useless."<br>"Then why the hell is she here?!"  
>"I really have no idea. However, Pein said he was going to call a meeting with the official members to explain why."<p>

Hidan gave Kakuzu a puzzled look. "Why wasn't I told about this?"  
>"Because you were busy napping. It was amazing that I could still hear him talk over your snoring."<p> 


	3. Chapter 3

WOOT I'm on a roll here. Thanks to Lady Arachne that keeps reviewing this thing! Really, you're the reason I'm actually writing this. You're giving me hope that I'll actually be a good Sue-Basher.  
>Who knows? I might include you~ ;D<br>Oh, I don't own Naruto. If I did, MAH CEWL OC WUD BE PART OF ET AN EVRY1 WUD LUV HER!1one1!1!

[Inside the Akatsuki meeting room (without that chick)...]

"Now..." Pein began, "The reason we are here is for me to explain why this... 'Temporary member' is here."  
>Hidan glared then rolled his eyes. "You could have told us sooner BEFORE we got her, you know...", he groaned.<p>

Pein sighed, obviously knowing that he should have. "As I was saying... The reason this girl is here is because..."

[FLASHBACK]

_Pein was alone.  
>Not even Konan was with him.<em>

_To be honest, he was quite annoyed. His attempts of capturing the Nine-Tails has always ended in disaster. Many of the members had almost died by his hand... Even him. Hell, even Itachi's annoying brother has been getting in the way. With all of these disruptions by the main characters... Ideas are limited._

_"Yo."  
>"Hm?"<em>

_Turning around, Pein saw a girl. A girl around seventeen with brown hair that reached a few inches past her shoulders and greenish-hazel eyes (for some reason, he thought she was Kakuzu's daughter). She gave him a sly grin. "You've been gettin' screwed the ass lately, huh?"  
>Pein glared, "How did you know that..?", he demanded.<em>

_She laughed, "I have my sources. What I'm here for is to make a little deal."  
>"Deal?", Pein questioned, not softening his piercing glare. The girl ignored it. "Yeah, a deal. But before we get into that stuff..."<br>She held out her hand.  
>"I'm MetaGiga. But, that's sorta my code name where I work. My real name's classified, but just call me Meta."<br>Pein did nothing.  
>After a while, MetaGiga (or Meta) spoke up, "Um, this is called a 'handshake'. You grab my hand and shake it up and down."<br>Pein didn't give a handshake.  
>"... Geez, all I'm doing is trying to do is be professional and shit.", she pouted.<em>

_Meta put her hand down, then cleared her throat.  
>"Now then," she began, "I'm proposing a deal. I need you to capture a certain girl for me. I know you and your group are pros at it. You see, I'm a part of something called the FSA. I have a target I need to capture, but it's been elusive. I'm usually great at hunting down targets, but this one has made its way into your place."<br>Pein was confused. "What do you mean 'made it to your place'?"_

_"Who are you, Echo? Anyway... These targets are created to infiltrate different places and wrecks havoc using abnormally perfect traits. If not stopped, they can make every man or woman fall in love with them. During that, their power grows to the point of being extremely unnatural."  
>At that explanation, Pein pondered whether someone like that would benefit the Akatsuki.<br>And it seemed like Meta knew what he was thinking just by looking._

_Meta sighed, "Dude, if you let one into your posse as an actual member, then your group would be in danger of the same thing much faster. And that lady... Aahhh..."  
>Meta looked through some notes.<br>"That lady Konan would be in grave danger of being forgotten completely."_

_That made Pein pissed. "I never would forget Konan, nor would anyone else in the Akatsuki.", he growled, getting ready to show this girl pain.  
>Meta just gave him a concerned look. "I'm afraid that's what'll happen if you made her a real member... Um..."<br>She checked her notes again.  
>"Pein. Sorry, I got here in a rush to get here before it was too late. I couldn't read over much of the profiles..." Meta said, laughing a little. "But I DID read into Sasori<em> _and Deidara. They're pretty hot, mainly. Didja know Deidara wears monkey boxers?"_

_That just made Pein stare at her. So... These papers indicate everything? Even extremely meaningless information? He was now very violated. Had he been spied on without even KNOWING?!_

_"Anyway, these targets have that power. They can replace, say for instance Konan, with themselves. Or they kill her to replace her and for some reason, the group doesn't give a shit." Meta said solemnly. That changed Pein's mind. "So, you wish for us to capture her?", he asked. Meta laughed, replying, "No shit, Sherlock! I can't go into your land to find my target or else I might disrupt the flow there. And I don't wanna add more damage then what they've already done."_

_Yet, something bugged Pein. "If what you said is true, this would make my members love with your target.", he said. Meta also knew that he might say something like that. Fortunately, there was a way to stop that from happening. "If you make her a 'temporary member', her sick charms won't work. Now, the deal is that if you help me, I'll give you something to help you catch..."  
>She lazily flipped through many pages of her notes, as if she was not interested in the section she was going to.<br>"Naruto."  
>That really got Pein's attention. But before he could make the deal, he had to know a few more simple things.<em>

_"How do I know I can trust you?"  
>Yes it was cliché, but it was an important question that any intelligent person whose making such a deal should ask.<br>Meta grinned. "Even though I hear that half the time I work, it's a good overused question. Even though it's said a lot, it really is good to know."  
>She flipped back to the page where she once was, then let out a deep sigh.<br>"I'd rather not have these guys be victim to my target." Meta whispered. Looking over, there were pictures of Deidara and Sasori. They were taken so professionally that it caught Sasori and Deidara in mid argument. And yes, Deidara was wearing monkey boxers while asleep in a sloppy position in one of the shots._

_As soon as she saw Pein looking at her 'information', Meta quickly put it up and put the notes into the satchel slung over her shoulder. She then dug out a folder from a separate pocket. Closing her bag, she said, "This is a folder containing the info of my target. But, before I give it to you... Do we have a deal?"  
>Pein was silent.<br>He then took the folder._

_"It is a deal. If you do not bring the thing to catch the Nine-Tails, I will give you pain worse then death."  
>Pein took the folder after he said that. Meta smiled. "Great!", she said happily, "Now, I'll have a few more targets until the day before my week off. That day will be..."<br>She counted on her fingers._

_"About two and a half weeks. You have to promise NOT to kill her. If I turn in a dead body, it won't really help my position in the FSA. Second, don't kick her out. If she roams free in your land, it'll cause massive damage. Thirdly... Don't believe a word she says. If she says that she's engaged to one of your guys, that's a bunch of bull. Fourth and final, don't find me when you get her. I'll go to you, get her, give what I promised, and take off. Our base is... Secret. You'll never find it. I guess you could call it: "The Disappearing Island Hidden in the Atmosphere."_

_Pein considered sending Deidara out to find such a place existed._

_With a casual wave, Meta sauntered out of the Akatsuki base._

[END OF FLASHBACK]

The whole Akatsuki was silent. "Let me get this straight," Kakuzu said, "You made a deal with a seventeen year old girl that looked like one of my kids while being promised something certain to catch the Nine-Tails if we caught a bitch for her. Now we have to deal with this goddamn annoying brat for more then two WEEKS?!"

Pein turned away.

Itachi looked to him. "Leader, all due respect...", the Uchiha said, "I thought you were better then that."  
>"And she could have been a damn HEATHEN! You might have made a deal with a sinner!", Hidan added.<br>That's when Konan spoke up for the first time this entire story.

"Just shut up already. This 'Meta' will be back and I'm positive we can deal with her target for two and a half weeks. I will also keep close eye on everyone so that they won't go against the four rules."  
>The tone in her voice was enough to 'convince' them to do so. Kisame decided to speak, "Uh, Leader? Not sure if you've noticed, but the girl's going to be messing with practically everyone. Including you. She's been judging on looks so far..."<br>He turned to Itachi.  
>"You might want to keep low profile, Itachi. If I had a penny for each girl that's fallen for you during a recon mission, I'd have more money then Kakuzu.", he said.<br>That made Kakuzu glare at him.

Kisame then looked quite sad. "And since she really does judge based on looks... I'm probably going to be targeted the most. I AM strangely colored, after all...", Kisame murmured.  
>Deidara rolled his eyes. "Go be depressed somewhere else, hmm. At least you didn't have to deal with that damn girl the second she came.", he stated. Kisame looked to Deidara and nodded slightly, feeling a bit better. Sasori, on the other hand, was still pretty pissed. "You say that so calmly, Deidara! Now this stupid brat is probably going to sneak into my bed or something!", he snapped.<br>Deidara just couldn't help but hide a smile.

"Silence," Pein said, "This meeting is hereby over. Everyone may now return to what they were originally doing. Kakuzu is on dinner duty. We will not have the same incident with Itachi's 'well done' cooking."

Zetsu raised his hand. "Leader... Why can't we cook? We haven't done so the first time and-"  
>"I apologize, but your 'surprise' wasn't really nutritious for us."<p>

[So, yeah]

"Sasori-Samaaaa~! Where were youuuu? You had me worried sick!", Christie said, jumping on the poor puppet with a big hug. Fortunately, he maintained balance this time. "Get. Off. Of. Me." Sasori whispered in an extremely dark tone. Christie didn't seem to get the idea and started to...  
>Snuggle him.<p>

Fucking.  
>Snuggle.<br>Him.

Right when Sasori was about to stab her with his built-in blades, he could see Konan peeking from outside his door, giving him the evil eye. Sasori knew that it would be trouble if he killed Christie with Konan watching, so he did the next best thing.  
>Push her to the ground with much force.<br>As soon as Christie made impact to the floor, she looked up to him and her eyes got big. "S-Sasori-Sama... That hurt..."

Abnormally sparkly tears were now dripping down her face as a fazed background appeared behind them both. Sasori just sighed. More genjutsu. Does it ever end?  
>Christie put her hands to her eyes and started to whimper. "S-Sasori-Sama... Your tsundere is too m-much... When will you know that you're only d-doing this because you need love... Your heart is tender. I can feel it. You're not a b-bad person... I know... W-Without a doubt!"<p>

This had no impact on Sasori's emotions whatsoever. "Tell me when your pathetic genjutsu is done. I'm going to go read a book."  
>With that said, Sasori walked out of his infiltrated room as Christie continued her speech of Sasori-tsundere.<p>

[30 minutes later...]

The Akatsuki was now lined up in the dining room. (Unfortunately accompanied by the 'temporary member'.)  
>Kakuzu took off a kitchen apron (it said 'Kiss me and I'll kill you") and blandly announced what he had prepared. "Spaghetti. Sausage. Water. Rolls. That's all."<br>"Cheapskate...", Hidan grumbled, which earned him a big slug from Kakuzu. "It's more then I USUALLY make, so be grateful.", he snapped.

"Whatever, I'm starving over here, hmm."  
>"I would leave since I am not necessary to eat, but I would rather see the look on brat-number-two's face when dinnertime begins."<br>"Tobi is a good boy because he hasn't taken anything yet!"  
>"<strong>We'll have something more... Satisfying<strong>. We got something already a few minutes ago, so we'll just go."  
>"Itachi, hide yourself from that girl with genjutsu or something."<br>"I will try to do so, Kisame"  
>"Konan, I believe we must go before the storm hits the table."<br>"I would stay to keep watch over the target, but I think Itachi can be sane enough to handle that job. I'm not sure if I can try my luck at the dining table with everyone again."

And so Pein, Konan, and Zetsu walked out of the room. Once the door was closed...  
>It was a complete transformation. To sum it up, wild animals called the Akatsuki were attacking spaghetti, sausage, rolls, and tipping over water. As Christie gazed at the sight in complete horror, Sasori shot her a smug look.<br>Spaghetti was flying everywhere. Tobi was acting like his rolls were huge bug eyes while Hidan was making a sausage-roll 'woohoo' on his plate. Itachi was calmly enjoying his food while ignoring the chaos around him (for some reason, Christie couldn't see him). Deidara thought it would be funny to explode spaghetti in Kakuzu's face, which earned him some strangling. Kisame was busy trying to feed Samehada some sausage and Christie was soon covered in spaghetti.

This madness continued on until they finished/ran out of food. (Shocker shocker).  
>And now, it was time for lights out in the Akatsuki base. Which meant Christie's first actual night will be having to be in Hidan and Kakuzu's room to sleep. Hopefully she won't 'mysteriously' end up in Sasori and Deidara's room... In Sasori's bed.<p> 


	4. Chapter 4

Everyone locked their doors that night. The 'temporary member' by the name of Christie Nitaka was too obsessed with the members (as in Sasori and maybe Deidara) to be let loose in the lair. Hidan grumbled to himself as he locked his door as well, containing his partner and the newest headache. "Dammit, why the hell are we stuck with this bitch..?", he growled to Kakuzu. Kakuzu simply replied, "Because it was the leader's orders. Now quit complaining." However, he was hiding the fact how pissed he was as well. He would sew Christie's mouth shut if it weren't for Pein's warning.

_"The target must not be harmed in any way, no matter how temping it is to do so."_

God dammit. Christie smiled brightly to both of them. "Don't worry Hidan-San, Kakuzu-San; I'll be good!", she said cheerfully. It was obvious that she would try to sneak out during the night to be with Sasori. (UN)fortunately, there had to be keys to unlock the door when it's locked. Hidan threw the keys over to Kakuzu. "Be sure to lock them in one of your safes or something." What did he take him for? Of course he was. There was no way Christie was taking the only set of keys they had to be the stalker he knew she was. If this chick was also as 'special' as she claimed, she would try to pick the lock.

Ever since the Deidara haircut incident with Hidan, Pein made sure the locks were tamper-proof. The worst part about that? Almost half of his savings were used to pay for damages as well as the locks themselves... If the chick somehow finds out the code for the safe, it'll happen all over again... Money's on the line. After putting the keys in one of his best safes, Kakuzu laid down on his bed. "Both of you shut up and go to sleep. No rituals.", he said flatly. Hidan glared, then replied, "I gotta do daily prayers to Jashin, Kakuzu, or else I'll have to face his almighty judgement." "Whatever. Just not so loud. And clean up afterwards. Some people live here, dumbass, and they don't want to constantly wake up to see their roommate's blood all over the place." With that said, Kakuzu turned away and drifted off (despite rumors, he was actually a quiet sleeper).

Hidan ignored Kakuzu and began to draw his circle with his blood. It would be much more appealing to Jashin if it were the girl's... Christie, however, stared in terror as Hidan began his prayer. "W-why are you stabbing yourself, Hidan-San?!", she demanded shakily. Hidan just grinned at her. "If you were a REAL Jashinist, then you would know what you must do to appease the almighty Jashin.", he simply replied, making a deep stab in his own chest. Christie then stopped, tears flooding her eyes. "Hidan-San, you're gonna die! I dun want you to because I was gonna replace Konan instead!" "I'm immortal, dipshit. And Konan won't die as easily as you think, bitch." Christie ignored him, still crying her eyes out. This resulted in Hidan using every single ounce of power to not sacrifice her to Jashin. He'll make up for it on his next mission. This still pissed him nonetheless. "Will you STOP CRYING ALREADY?!", Hidan screamed at Christie, pulling out the impaler from his body.

She just replied, "You're committing suicide, Hidan-San! Stop! It's not the way!" Glaring, Hidan aimed the impaler towards a specific place on his chest. "This is where the heart is, bitch." He then stabbed himself so hard, the thing went more then halfway through him. Christie stared, completely speechless and wide eyed. She had stopped wailing like a big baby, thank god, but tears still flowed. What really made her awestruck... Was that Hidan was still alive. Even though a six foot long spear was impaled straight through his heart, he was still standing there. He didn't even look dead to begin with! Looking to the floor, Christie saw a huge pool of blood surrounding Hidan. His blood.

"Lesson over. Now be a good little shit and go to bed, I need to get focused on actual prayers." Christie nodded quickly and practically flew into the old blankets that were proclaimed her 'bed'. She didn't feel like going out anyway.

**[The Next Morning...]**

It was safe to say that Christie was pretty much scarred for life. After Hidan finished his 'prayers', Christie was sent to clean up the blood or else he'd show other places he could stab himself. Kakuzu, on the other hand, barely got any sleep thanks to that brat crying nonstop. And the number one thing you don't do when he doesn't get sleep is exactly what Christie was doing now. "Kakuzu-San, last night was scary! Hidan-San stabbed himself over and over and over! And you have beautiful hair! I totally thought you were, like, bald! Are you secretly a cross dresser?"

Kakuzu tried to ignore Christie... But to no avail. He shot out his threads, instantly wrapping them around the nuisance. "I HAVE HAD IT WITH YOU AND YOUR CONSTANT TALKING! I DO NOT CARE IF I AM FORBID TO DO SO, I WILL RIP YOUR HEART OUT AND SMASH IT TO PIECES, FOR IT DOES NOT DESERVE TO BE ONE OF MY OWN!" Christie screamed, being lifted into the air. She would totally blast him into oblivion with her supernova chakra, but she was too tied up to do so (AKA, she was scared shitless and couldn't do so in the first place). Right when Kakuzu was going to tear out her heart, a blinding flash of white sped past and cut his threads, releasing the bitch.

Glancing over, Konan stood, glaring at Kakuzu. "You mustn't harm her, and you know that. It may be hard to resist the temptation, but do not kill her. We need what that strange girl promised us in order to capture the Nine-Tails. Besides, Pein has decided where the captive shall reside for tonight." Kakuzu was still pretty pissed off, but couldn't help asking, "Who are the unfortunate members?" Konan simply replied, quite irate at the situation as well,

"Itachi and Kisame."

**[BONUS SHIT] **

Meta opened the door to her room, satisfied with her long day's work. It might have been hell going to the Naruto section and back, but being able to have assistance on the inside was always good, even if it might dock her pay on the target a little if the higher-ups found out. Or worse. The boss.

"And she's alive!"

Meta smiled as she turned to her roommate, as well as best friend.

"Hey, Terry!"

"Hey, Meta!"

Her friend, Miss Terry, was plopped on a beanbag, reading a book of some sort. "How'd you do with your latest target?", she asked. Meta sighed, "It got in. But, I asked for some help on the inside." Terry stared, then facepalmed. "Meta, you're gonna get demoted to janitor duty if you keep doing that. You're lucky you're my friend or else I'd tell." Meta held up her hands in defeat. "I know, I know, I know! But if I went into the place myself to fetch her, I'd probably do more damage then her." Cele rolled her eyes, laughing, as if she knew Meta forgot something important.

"Meta, you could of just taken over one of the character's bodies! That was the power you chose when you got the job in the first place! Why did you think you got pictures of some of them?" Meta was about to say something in her defense, but nothing would come out. Terry was right. She could have taken over one of the two prettyboys or that leader with too many piercings or... "Shit." Terry sighed, flipping to the next page of your book. "I guess you would have caused damage anyway. When you do take over a character, you go a bit... OOC. I mean, it can be worse than the targets sometimes! Plus, why the heck do you always choose guys?" Meta shrugged, giving her a sheepish smile.

It was true, Meta always took over guys when she went to capture a target. It was mainly because she was seriously attracted to them. She has a weird way of showing affection. Just then, Terry's watch started flashing. Pushing a button, a man shown on a hologram appeared from it. "Miss Terry, I have a mission for you. A Sue has infiltrated the Super Smash Bros. Brawl section. We need you to catch her and bring her back for adjustments and lock her up. Hurry, the Sue's powers will get stronger soon." Once the hologram dissipated, Terry marked her place in her book and shut it. "Well, I have to get going. See you either tomorrow morning or afternoon." Meta watched as Terry got up from the beanbag and left the room. She was kind of jealous that she was part of the Game department, but meeting video game characters wasn't as cool as meeting anime characters. To be honest, Meta wanted Terry to work with her in the Anime department, but once assigned, no switching departments. At least they were roommates.

**Lol I decided to make tiny side-stories about days in the life of the FSA members. In short, they get payed minimum wage for the intense work they do xD also, I feel so sorry for Kisame. Even though I like Deidara and Sasori, Kisame is my favorite out of all of them. He needs more love, and now Christie Sweetie Sakura Rosa Cuppycake Nitaka is gonna be so racist to him. So, yeah. Please R&R and give me some ideas. Not like I'm running out, I just wanna hear what you guys wanna see~ **

**-Meta, out**


	5. Chapter 5

"Sasoriiii-Samaaaa~!"

"Go away."

The annoying ass lolita bitch was once again trying to make Sasori her husband. Nothing new at all ever since this chick came around. All because Pein was desperate enough to make a deal with a seventeen year old.

God, the Akatsuki is becoming pathetic.

"Sasori-Sama, let's run away and get married and have a life filled with love and have kids and have a pet kitty and be with each other forever and ever and ever! I know I can change you! I can change your murderous ways!" Christie squeaked.

Bullshit.

"I've even made a cake to help make you nicer!"

Out of nowhere, she pulled out and pushed brightly colored big cake practically SMOTHERED with icing and decorations to boot. Just looking at it made Sasori sick.

He pushed the cake away. "I am a puppet. I cannot eat. It will do nothing of the slightest if I do so in the first place."

That didn't seem to stop Christie. She sprang on top of Sasori, cake in hands. "Then I'll MAKE you~!"

She then dug her hand into the icing-covered cake and began trying to stuff it in Sasori's mouth. Sasori, however, was avoiding every possible attempt. "ARE YOU INSANE?! THIS IS BEYOND INSENSIBLE!"

"My love will make it to you, Sasori-Sama!", Christie said, ignoring Sasori's comment. Finally, she got her handful into his mouth.

... It was almost disgustingly sweet enough for Sasori to regain his sense of taste.

He spat it out and pushed Christie off. He was so pissed that words cannot describe. In fact, he couldn't say a single word. Christie stared at him, and her eyes lit up. "I know! You want it all at once!" She picked up the cake and did the unthinkable.

She smooshed the cake right into Sasori's face.

He didn't say anything. Just stood there, cake sliding down his face.

He turned around.

Wiped the cake off.

And walked away.

[In Deidara and Sasori's room...]

"Holy shit, my man, what happened to you?", Deidara asked a cake smothered Sasori. The only response he got was a glare. He decided that he should probably shut up. Sasori then went into their bathroom, slamming the door. Something obviously had happened between him and the bitch. And whatever happened, it wasn't pretty.

Five minutes later, Sasori came out in his 'casual' clothes, drying his hair with a towel. He seemed to have calmed down a little bit, but was still pretty pissed off. "It was said that the captive was to sleep in Itachi and Kisame's room, correct..?"

Deidara nodded, "Yeah. Why?"

Sasori gave him a slight smile. "Don't you think Itachi needs more attention these days, Deidara?"

Deidara processed these words, then gave him a smug grin. "I thought you'd never ask, hmm."

[Later...]

Itachi was reading a book when Deidara suddenly sauntered on in to his room. "Hey, Itachi!", Deidara greeted. Itachi looked up, annoyance written all over his face. "Why are you in my room? If you are here to challenge me, then I decline. Wasting my power on you is a waste."

Deidara fought the urge to blow his goddamn Uchiha ass off, but retained his friendly atmosphere. "Nothing like that, hmm. Sasori just wanted to see you for a quick second. He has something to discuss with you about an upcoming mission."

Itachi looked skeptical. "Then why is he not the one before me?", he asked. Deidara had to think fast. Right now, Sasori was waiting with the stalker for Itachi to arrive. If he didn't hurry, then who knows what else might happen to Sasori today...

"He wanted it to be private, so nobody could hear from the other rooms. He mentioned that this was a foolproof plan and needed you to come discuss it privately. Even I don't know what it is, hmm."

The suspicion didn't leave Itachi's eyes, but he finally took the bait. "Fine. Where is the 'private meeting' held?", he asked. Deidara smiled. "In the main room. Nobody's there at the moment, hmm.", he replied.

Itachi gave him one more untrusting look, then closed his book. "Very well then. If that is all you had to say, then leave."

Once said, Itachi exited the room. When Deidara followed suite, he felt a sense of relief that the girl wasn't going to make his and Sasori's life miserable once it was there turn to share a room.

[In the main room...]

Itachi entered, instantly seeing Sasori with his armor on. He approached the hunched puppet. "What did you wish to discuss with me?"

Sasori gave a slight, hoarse laugh. "Oh, nothing really important. Just what will happen.", he replied. Itachi gave him a confused look. "What is that supposed to mean?"

Before he could react, Sasori shoved Christie right into Itachi. Once she looked up at Itachi (unfortunately not in his eyes), you guessed it, a pink background with bubbles appeared behind the two. Before Christie could ask, Sasori answered, "His name is Itachi. You will be with him tonight. Don't look into his eyes. You'll turn to stone."

With that said, Sasori left to his room. He didn't know if he had imagined it or not, but he swore he heard Itachi say, "Go to hell, Sasori."

**Sorry that** **this chapter's so short! Just needed a way to lay out Itachi's possibly permanent condition for the story. And to remind all of the 0 readers that read this that I'm alive. I get the feeling I'm the only one reading my shit. Crazy huh? Maybe I'm writing to myself. It'd be nice to get some confidence for this story again. I'm already dealing with these dudes that nag at how my other stories aren't like others by some accounts created to do that. God, I miss the days when guys like that weren't around the site. You have to have a splash of creativity in your stories or it won't be right. Not all fanfics are written like a book. They need to understand that and stop being hypocritical. It's FANFICTION. Any eccentric or creative ways of writing a story should be taken.**

**-Meta preach done, and out.**


End file.
